In the wake of massive losses and widespread debate about its very survival, Apple Computer is about to unveil a plan that will not only ensure its continued existence but propel it to the very pinnacle of the computer industry. On Tuesday, said chief executive Michael Spindoktor, we will launch a hostile takeover of IBM. Reaction on Wall Street, where Apple must raise the capital for its bold plan, was mixed. It’s a brilliant strategy, asserted Dam Dandruff, of Merrill Lynch Pierce Spindle & Mutilate. Dozens, possibly hundreds of investment bankers, up to their ears in mortgages, bills from their children’s psychoanalysts and drug habits, will be assured of a bountiful 1996. There might even be something in it for the shareholders, if they pay us to tell them when to bail out. The resultant firm will be unmatched in its strength and versatility, explained Giddywith Riches, founder of high tech consultancies GG Group, GGG Group and GGGG GGGGroup. Our research reports will show that the Fortune 500, Forbes 500 and Indianapolis 500 will cease buying computers from any other vendor and simply turn all their funds over to the first salesman the new company sends through their door. There is only one such person, due to the massive layoffs at both Apple and IBM. We will reveal his name exclusively to clients whose bills are paid in full and who have signed up for our Spy-Or-Die research service until the year 3001. But not all outside observers were so optimistic. copyright (C) 1996 Technology News Ltd, London. Elvis is dead They’re all idiots, according to Stephen Spite, of stockbrokers Nopain Nogain. Separately or together, they’ll end up in the poorhouse. The mainframe is dead. The graphical user interface is dead. The keyboard is dead. Elvis is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. The only viable outfit in the whole industry, Spite added, is Getawaywithit Until 2000, which is trying to sell the entire Internet and the Brooklyn Bridge by direct mail. Mr Gerstner, simply phone or fax your American Express Plutonium Card number to GU2K care of Nopain Nogain. We’ll take it from there. IBM executives, as expected, have been silent on the issue, but former IBM Vice President Wishing To Be In Charge Of Everything, Jim Mazuma, was willing to comment. My IBM cheque cleared the bank, Mazuma said, How about yours? Two of Apple’s former presidents, both deposed by the company’s mysterious chairman Mike Markkoffkain, were willing to go on the record. We had it all. Nobody in the industry had the kind of talent Apple attracted, recalled John Skulduggery, who was replaced by Spindoktor in a boardroom coup. Our research advisory board included the most brilliant minds in the industry. Alan Imokay- Yoraokay, the genius behind the computing success of Xerox, was on an exclusive contract that guaranteed his ideas would be available to absolutely nobody, including even Apple. Albert Einstein, channelling through Esther Dyson, would appear sporadically in my private washroom, pick his nose and write cryptic but brilliant theories on the mirror with his wet fingertip. Michael Jackson would come and turn matters over to his solicitors. But that was then and this is now. I’m devoting all my energies to the supercomputer company, Kray Twin Lottery Systems. And Apple’s co-founder and first president, Steven P C Barnum, offered succinctly, Next! Details of the Apple plan remain secret, but one source suggests the funds to take over IBM will be borrowed from IBM Credit Corp. ICC recently floated a very large bond issue denominated in Monopoly money on the Singapore market, and there has been great speculation about the purpose of the borrowing. Proceeds of the bond sale, worth the equivalent of $250,000m, have been placed in a special account at the Nabisco National Bank And Cookie Jar in St Louis, where bank officials would only describe the arrangements governing the funds as unusual. A source at the bank confirmed that the bank account is governed by instructions in a sealed envelope. The envelope can only be opened in the event
IBM is subjected to a hostile takeover bid. – by Louie’s Keyhole. copyright (C) 1996 Technology News Ltd, London.
